Note to Self

(20 years old, and very nervous about life :)

I am in a bit of a funk these days.

Cooking doesn't seem that fun, though I am still making good things for dinner most nights. I cleaned out my closet a few weeks ago, and I'm left feeling like I don't like what I got rid of, but I also don't really like what I kept. I am reading (and reading and reading!), but nothing that's making me feel totally "yay!" There are a few little things I'd like to do around the house, but...eh. Part of this stems from some Bigger Life things that feel a bit out of my control.

We are thinking more seriously about buying a house. But will a not-scary house that we can actually afford come on the market? Will we like being home owners? We've seen a few, and they left me with this feeling:

Embrace the lovely life you have right at this moment.

Because right now, even though parts of my life feel a bit out of control, or just plain ho-hum, I want to ditch this funk and remember my clean, bright, pretty home now. The good dinners I can make each night now. The hours that stretch before me to read and think and see friends and do yoga. The ordinary nights at home with Peter and wine and a favorite show we can watch all together in one big gulp.

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I recently read through an old journal that I've kept very infrequently since I was in college. I usually only write there when I'm upset or mad, which happily isn't too often. Since it's mostly used during tough-ish times, it's certainly a skewed snapshot, but I was stuck by early entries that are filled with worries about being lonely and having a lame life. I was never going to meet anyone fantastic, my friends would realize I was boring, I wouldn't get a fun job.

If I could have told myself that I was going to meet Peter a month before I collected my college diploma, that I would keep all of my dear friends very close, that I would have a series of mostly fun jobs, I would have been shocked and relieved at how beautiful my life is. How lucky I am.

Right now, I'm going to try to tell myself that there are many surprises in store for these next years. But if I could get a preview for how they would turn out, I hope to be shocked and relieved at how happy - how lucky - I continued to be.